You want long? I'll give you long. I'll make long scream and puke up daises until I feel like my old self again. This will be cryptic, and long, with little sense so if you're reading this you should turn back now. okay? okay. good. now off to venting.

I have about twenty thousand things I hate. About forty thousand things I love. Sixty people I'd live for. five I'd die for. I have an empty heart, a cold bed, a sad out look for life, a gloomy September screaming ahead, an uncertain future, and a past almost comical with how horrible it is. so... I cant really plan and design through it all any more. I'm just going to admit it.

 I'm not strong enough to do every little thing on my own.

 I have a man so in love with me that it frightens me, Niki, I'm sorry, I want a companion, not a future husband. I cant be the woman you yearn for because I don't want to grow into a mature woman. I enjoy being without confines, and you want to lock me up and throw away the key. I have a half hearted gag reflex for a boy I don't feel anything for romantically, but have forced my self to like because I was lonely and despriate. I'm sorry Corey, I like you, and I respect you, but my feelings are not a true representation of how I feel. they've been warped and I don't want you near me any longer until I can sort though it all on my own.'

I want a companion. A good boyfriend that I can simply talk and be with. I don't want love. I find it hard to love myself at times. Its even harder to love others. I don't want to force my self into a slump thinking that I need to do like everyone else and fall head over heels for someone. And yet... How can I fall head over heels for someone, when not a single man has managed to get me to stumble? I'm not perfect. I'm withdrawn, distrustful, suspicious, and far to serious for my age. On top of that, I'm fairly un attractive. I'm not the prettiest thing, I'm a sickly color of pale, my body type is all wrong, and I cant name one redeemable quality I hold true. I may be a model, but I'm not a very good one.

so what else is there to say? I need a self esteem boost. not just my girl friends telling me I'm pretty. Not just a few guy friends telling me I look nice out of an impromptu rant about how much I despise my looks. I need a good boyfriend, with a strong conviction to look me in the eyes and tell me to get over my self. I used to think I looked good, and I used to think I was just going on without anyone because I choose to. well, I'm not choosing to. I choose to date. and not just accepting people I don't like because I feel bad. no. I have an idea of what I want and I wont allow mulipitation to change my view. I'm angry at Nicole for telling me to go for it, when "it" wasn't even there. and now I'm even more angry at myself. because in the succession one only 3 days I've managed to make my self look like a desperate jackass who was struggling for anything before prom season ended. and on top of that I may have let one good thing go by by some really retarded thing I said.

He was singing my favorite song.

to me. smiling while he did it.

I am an idiot.

I might as well shoot my self in the fucking foot right now to add the icing on the cake. This entire time, this perfect guy, waiting on me, smiling, singing, laughing, practically begging for me to just discuss a subject of dating... and what do I do? go after the wrong fucking guy. Look, your a good friend man, but jesus. it was really retarded to go after you when I needed to go for him. And I've fucked up any thing with him, because now, I've managed to get him thinking that I am like every other girl caught up in dating and drama. He liked me for who I was, and at the most crucial time, I showed him a side of me I thought I buried a long time ago. and now I'm trying to set him up with one of my friends whom I dont care for that much, when I realize that not only does he like me.

I fucking like him

god I'm an idiot.

well, heres to you jack. hope you and brandi have a good first date on saturday.

>.>

-lizzo

I'm listening to some really Gothic Lolita music. man, no one gets on xanga anymore. blogging is dead. I've accepted it. >< but yea. just had to deal with a person I don't like. I've accepted it. shes the kind of person, that thinks so highly of them selfs, that they can pick apart a person, and make fun of them. I hate when people do that. its sad, and it can cause alot of pain for some people. I cant be so high and mighty my self, because I used to do it too. But, not because I wanted to. mostly to be accepted. I'm not afraid to admit it. But now, I'm trying to be accepting of all people, and not take peoples word for it. and, hey, surprise surprise! its actually helped me alot! I've met alot of amazing people, and I've seen alot of people, I 'thought' where my friends, who where actually pretty shallow and insecure. I wont name names. its not fair. its just who they are.

But I just really don't like negative people. all that energy, it can be rather suffocating at times. I'm finding that out about myself. I've stopped asking my self, if my actions reflect the "group" and started asking if my reactions reflect myself. and its made me alot better of a person. alot happier of a person. and its really helped me along. I shouldn't have to deal with un-necessary stress, and its not my job to mediate the problems of people I truthfully don't care for. I do like alot of people. But I also find myself not liking alot of people. and, I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm not mean about it. I simply say, "go away" and it seems to work. *sigh* its just that one girl. that thinks so highly of her self. and shes so proud. She makes people cry, all the time, by ripping into their deepest insecurities. She even managed to make me cry. and now, she thinks shes won something. She just got done telling me off. (even though I just blocked her, and ignored her) and she finished with, "and with that, have a nice day" like she managed to make a difference.

Like I'm going to come back tomorrow, begging for her to be my friend again, because I was wrong, and she was right, and shes my goddess. I doubt that. I might have been slightly in the wrong. I'll admit. but she needs to really get a grip on reality, and realize that her reactions are childish, and sad. but she wont. she is convinced I'm in the wrong. WHEN IT WASN'T EVEN A FIGHT TO BEGIN WITH. but, I wont say a word. I don't need to. shes the one thats making an ass of herself, by trying to force a reaction out of me. In all fights usually, I take a neutral approach. I laugh it off. if someone swings, I bring hell. but, usually, I wont provoke a fight. shes trying to do the same thing, but shes trying to force me to do something with this retarded "psychological warfare" bullshit. I am again, doing nothing. as I have been. and its okay. I'm not afraid of her. though she thinks I am. and thats alright. I only have 17 months. then I'm out. shes a repeat sophomore, with a 1. something GPA, trying to say that I, a person who is active in many school clubs, and functions, with a 3. something GPA, am retarded, right. and I'm ugly and fat too. I wont say anything against her. but she needs to look in a mirror, and realize she isn't the goddess she thinks she is. and she needs to leave me alone. its annoying.

><
-lizzo